What's on Your Plate?
The fully loaded sandwich.
Photo by Anna Tukhfatullina
If my most recent life was akin to food it would be like a jam-packed mix of (mostly great) ingredients - spicy, sour, sweet, bitter - the whole shebang - stuffed into and held in place by 2 slices of bread just hanging on to the chaos in between. A sandwich so loaded, the bread is just along for the ride threatening to disintegrate at any moment.
Tackling the beast is often less strategic and more diving right in and hoping for the best. With varying degrees, I know many of us feel like this.
The weight of a responsibility that I did not asked for, but became mine to hold, has been my world for the last number of years as I have navigated the overwhelming work of elderly care. It is a privilege to have family members still here. But it is a lot. I have often wrestled with a sense of injustice as my capacity to grow a business I love in a more capacious way was once again pushed aside just when, post divorce, I thought it was ‘my time’ to dive right in, not just engage haphazardly.
It can be very hard to prioritise yourself when the world bumps up against you.
I know I have not been gracious at times about it either, which adds to the burden of guilt, overwhelm and exhaustion, as I fight an internal war with myself and my responses every single day.
As women’s hormonal health finally begins to receive the attention it deserves, there’s another issue—often hidden in plain sight—that quietly undermines mental and emotional wellbeing, impacting our ability to work and our overall quality of life. Whilst being distracted with daily living, and working, and perhaps raising a family, this reality can creep in unnoticed - until one day, you find yourself wondering, “How on Earth did I get here?”
The varying degrees of the responsibility of caring for both children (school age or adult children not yet left/ returned to the nest) and aging parents, while maintaining a sense of identity, a life, and a job, let alone a career, whilst being in the throes of menopause, is the place many women find themselves in midlife.
Much can be said about gender disparity in the workplace, and gender pay gaps, but it is also irrefutable that women are the majority of ‘Jugglers of the Invisible Load’ - a disproportionate responsibility for ‘caring’ and family logistics which threaten, and often supersede everything else in their lives. Women constitute 74.3% of Carer Allowance recipients, although often the care goes unpaid. The cumulative effect of all of this, takes its toll, contributing to high rates of overwhelm and long term stress.
Photo by The Matter of Food on Unsplash
In Midlife we are a fully loaded sandwich.
Whether it is hormones, elderly care, children, illness, aging itself, can we truly prepare for what is coming?
Somewhat. There is an element of agency - an overlooked yet pivotal mindset space to be in is the ability to be with things as they are not as we wish we want them to be, because this gives us capacity to be agile and flow with fluctuations across all areas of life.
A few questions to consider to protect our sanity and our capacity so we can meet demands at anytime:
When you prioritise everyone else - who takes care of you?
How do we navigate the ebbs and flows?
What do you do for yourself?
How can you be more self responsible?
Where and who are your resources for support?
I did not appreciate until much later in my own life what subterfuge and sacrifice it took to be independant and undefeated by the pressures of reality. from This Is Happiness by Niall Williams
Reality is, we cannot have a frictionless life. Life is chaotic and has complexities and as always, our place is always in the middle not on the fringes. And right there in the mess are also the glimmers of hope and joy and love, as well as the lessons of capacity and resilience. Turning towards them nurtures our soul.
Clinging to what we want to do in the face of reality will always end up in torment. As Yung Pueblo advises “acceptance means you have to let go of what could be and actually embrace what is.”
The rituals that we do every day act as the container that hold us steady.
Yes it is difficult. But we try. All I know is that a loaded sandwich full of love and connection as well as all the spiciness that angst and discomfort bring is much more interesting than a plain old cheese sandwich. Finding ways to hold ourselves together in the midst is ours to navigate.
I have a great toolbox of things I do, but still at times I am simply in survival mode. Acceptance that this is the case sustains us. Connection with others is imperative - as the Irish proverb goes “under the shelter of others, people survive”. I am am lucky to have friends, acquaintances and professionals who have kept me afloat these years.
Future generations heading towards midlife will have a different trajectory as relationships, social and employment structure, and education continue to adapt as well as a medical system that may rethink and prioritise quality not just quantity in longevity.
Meanwhile I am slowly unpacking the sandwich, clearing my plate, gathering my energy for something else to take its place. Planning, prepping and writing, doing my best to make it interesting and useful for us all.
Because now I can.
Q: How do you eat an elephant? A: One bite at a time.
Take it easy everyone.
Love
Mon
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Under the shelter of others, people survive. Thanks Mon. Listened to you while doing my stretches xx